harmonious1's Diaryland
Diary
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worked
WHOA I'm so excited!!!! To move!!!
Finally! Being with someone who loves to be at home with me... at generally the same times...
Our home!!! Last week I worked... um... 7 hours for Dorothy.
+ 12:30- 3:30 for S
This week,
I worked Wed. 11:40 - 1:40
for D
and 2 - 4 for S
and Thurs. 9:30- 11 for S
and 11:20 - 2:20 for D.
5:17 p.m. - 2012-01-12
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client!!
No!
Outtalking me!
Begging! Demanding!
Using me!
Asking me to work extra, beyond what I have time for! Beyond what I'll be paid!
Micromanagement!
Ordering me!
Speeding me up, slowing me down! Telling me to hurry, telling me I'm going too fast, making me show every single item to you before it goes to trash! Slowing down every task with your panic, even while I'm carrying something heavy!
Urine smell! Bad air quality! Rodents! Mouse poop, Duuuust! Unsanitary surfaces & air! Expecting too much of me!
Expecting me to be a life coach & social worker & volunteer coordinator & PcA!
Just because you call me your daughter doesn't mean I owe you anything that a daughter would!
Manipulating me with guilt trips, overwhelming to-dos, gifts & flattery!
Gossip!
Ammonia smell! Rotting food lying about!
Expecting me to make the decisions, yet arguing over every little thing that is done!
Adding more & more & more requests to every task!
Calling me repeatedly to confirm the same thing!
AARGH
3:50 p.m. - 2011-12-26
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MMMM send me recipes
My aunt Annette's Tuna Stuffed Mushrooms
- 6 oz cream cheese
-12 oz sour cream
-cheddar
-1/2 can tuna
-salt
-pepper
- as many mushrooms as possible
-PAM First clean several whole mushrooms & set them on a lightly greased baking sheet
with the cavity facing up.
Put them in the oven at 350 for 7 minutes.
Make a mixture of: two parts sour cream, one part cream cheese, & finely shredded cheddar to taste. Add half a can of tuna, drained. Sprinkle a little salt & pepper in & mix well. Refrigerate until you're ready to spoon into the mushrooms.
A few minutes before you're ready to serve the stuffed mushrooms, put the mixture into the mushroom cavities.
Sprinkle some fried onions on top if you want.
Put it back in the oven for 10 minutes.
Warm creamy soft browned stuffed mushrooms for everyone!
9:31 a.m. - 2011-12-26
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Total guess about how she made those for Christmas!
My aunt Annette's Tuna Stuffed Mushrooms
- 6 oz cream cheese
-12 oz sour cream
-cheddar
-1/2 can tuna
-salt
-pepper
- as many mushrooms as possible
-PAM
9:30 a.m. - 2011-12-26
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work work
We are being o so professional & coordinating our work schedules.
Um.
I have to remember that I worked for her today
from 11:45 -3:30
& from 4:45 - 6:30 That's probably too much! Oy. 5.5 hours?
And I'll work at least 2 hours Thursday,
1:30- 3:30 or later... Um...
The company gets pissed at an employee for ANYTHING.
I'll bet they'll get mad & not compensate me for all this. Whatever, I resignedly resign to working more because I can't resign.
8:56 p.m. - 2011-12-20
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things stay broken
I miss him! I wish I could trust people again
--certain people don't deserve my trust. I just have to accept them as they are, & sometimes that means keeping them at a distance. Yes, at a distance,
but why
why must I let go of anyone forever? aaaaaaaah
8:17 p.m. - 2011-12-14
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yes
Yes there is happiness & love, greater than I could have expected or imagined or asked for. Yes he's all I want.
How was I to know what I want? I was so confused. But now I'm more articulate & I'm checking in with myself all the time,
holding onto certain values & standards
& struggling to let other things go...
I doubt myself loudly instead of with a quiet nagging desperation like the self-doubting self-loathing quiet that can creep in & sneak up on people, it just surprises people...
How you wake up 1 day & question yourself, not just your situation.
Doubt
& affirmation
& doubt
& finally I learn something.
6:43 p.m. - 2011-11-22
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wow
worry.
Why do I worry about him?
I could get sick with worry,
worry that he will travel north & west now in the cold for reasons unclear to him, & have another asthma attack
-- worry that he is not OK on some existential level. It is so hard to quiet this worry, still my heart & my stomach, & compose any sort of loving and appropriate advice or admonition. Only I know... what would make things better for him...
Why
why
why
should /would
I be responsible for someone's will to live?
Maybe it's not like that now but it's too much to think that it was ever like that.
To have that responsibility... yes it has been thrust upon me,
yes my friends have found themselves in the mental hospitals before,
and yes I have tried to help them.
I hate it when I myself feel the desperation & the confusion clouding my brain, so much so that my needs seem immediate & I have to ask someone for help, & I have to thrust the responsibility for my well being on anyone else. It's too much to ask of anyone
but people ask it of me all the time.
And nothing really works out because of me, it works out because of the greater community, circumstances, & the Great Spirit that pulls things together to care for people.
If he would even feed the lilies of the prairie & care for the sparrows then how much more would he care for us?
Hmm
I really can't tell because unlike lilies & sparrows we humans have infinite needs,
an ascending spiral of human wants and needs.
And God, why did I have to want so Much? Why could I not settle down with this subtle worry for myself & my own wants? Why did it seem so important in the most self-indulgent of times,
why would I worry for myself more than for someone else who needs me at this time?
Why now?
Why, when others say it's only been 5 years or so,
why, when so many others can wait things out & try bit by bit & by & bye,
for increments of 10 years at a time...
Or what...
Why am I here & lost & happy?
Why am I here & worried?
Why am I 500+ miles away from the little traces left of home?
Well.
If you were here it would be obvious, & the concrete details cement the joyous days together. But in the abstract, in the overviews, in the more general conversations about my life, questions arise,
& the joy is not seen
but the worry & confusion is filling us.
Yet we have pictures we will look back on pictures & short letters to friends, & concert tickets & souvenirs, & we will see the happiness of the past
if not the inexplicable sustaining joy.
3:00 p.m. - 2011-11-19
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suffer
suffering can be avoided
if people agree & make up & compromise changes must be made for compromises to be real suffering leads to these compromises
promises must be kept though they are made around a very emotional negotiating table negotiating shouldn't be the name of the game love should be spontaneous & always feel right love is NOT cruel it is all encompassing & should always be on one's mind people don't feel in love all the time, though
people don't always have energy for love none of us are in our ideal state, yet we strive for an ideal that we choose
& compare our ideals... compromises cause suffering too is it necessary?
should any suffering be allowed or agreed to?
Love shouldn't make you suffer
...
He suffers without me,
& I suffer without
...
Kieran owes me $28, I should remember
& I worked 4.5 hours today, 3 yesterday,
& will work 7.5 or more tomorrow,
10 hours Saturday, 7.5 hours or so on Sunday...
6:45 p.m. - 2011-10-06
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work
last week I worked Sunday, Tuesday,
Friday & Saturday for him-- and then again on Sunday.
Two days ago.
I worked for him & then her on Sunday.
She spoke to me in shock when she saw I was giving away art supplies. She said that's a sign of depression. Giving things away just because I haven't used them by now, & I feel like an artistic failure. Even though the talent is still there-- you don't use it, you lose it, I said, just being hard on myself.
She showed me how I take myself too seriously & don't have enough confidence, just a belief in my need for more discipline that doesn't allow me to see how disciplined I am. Similarly, I believe I need to act more loving & can't see how extremely loving, even over-generous, I've been. I believe I'm sort of ugly & so I don't let myself just be pretty.
I could be a model even. I could be an artist. I could prioritize writing.
She told me to read the 4 agreements & live by them & carpe diem & all that.
She said zoning out & accepting our limitations are part of life; but we will learn new tricks, we will uncover talents again, we can & we will & it doesn't matter if we just haven't done something yet.
That potential is still there, not dwindled. Humans have so much more capacity than they realize.
Then I visited a friend at a weekly visit, always so tired & spent & poor. I don't give her my best or all my attention, & am barely part of her healing. Rather she's part of mine. I feel bad but I also give her a reason to feel needed.
Monday-- worked for one, hauling things from the garage, 3:10 - 6:10. Potential for 12.5 hours this week!
She had advice & validation I would've never expected. Though her house is unhealthy for me her frequent encouragement is great for me. Though she finds herself in the position of a displaced homemaker, shaking with fear & unable to problem solve, she is still a sharper, stronger feminist than anyone could guess. She's so strong, & she insists that what I'm doing next is good for me, & it's best for every woman to be as independent as possible. She wouldn't give more advice, not until I ask for it... I'm quite open & humble, so I might.
Then I just did an errand for another; bill for .5 hours...
I'll work 10 - 2:30 tomorrow, the next day, & the next day, & the next day...
Babysit today & tomorrow, 5-6.
Thursday: work likely 9 -1, for him, then 1:15- 2:30, for her, then 3 pm - 6pm for D. I hope hope hope I don't have to babysit after that.
So, tomorrow at 10, Thursday at 9, Friday at 10, gotta move all my stuff then. One night in Mendota.
Saturday work at 10. No, 9.
Because L wants shifts to switch to Saturdays.
So, wait, tomorrow 10 am, then 5 pm.
Thursday 9 am, 1:15 pm, then 3 pm.
Friday 10 am.
Saturday 9-1:30, then 2 - 7 pm. Sunday could be 9-1:30 & that's it for the day.
It's so hard not to bury my feelings amid all this work; being so needed by so many.
Saving money. Oh god.
9:57 a.m. - 2011-09-27
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Horrible Bible Verse of the day:
"The righteous perish,
and no one ponders it in his heart;
devout men are taken away,
and no one understands
that the righteous are taken away
to be spared from evil.
Those who walk uprightly enter into peace;
they find rest as they lie in death." Isaiah 57:1 Horrible bible verse of tomorrow:
"When Athaliah the mother of Ahaziah saw that her son was dead, she proceeded to destroy the whole royal family." 2 Kings 11:1 We could do 1 every day!
6:03 p.m. - 2011-09-19
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song
When I was told my legs are lame
my sight is softened
my dreams are tame
I let my words fall
like a warm rain
I've hardly found them but in the voice of pain. When I was told my hopes are vain,
my face is old,
my voice is pain--
I let my words fall
like drips of gold
I've hardly found them since the day that I was told. When I am old, my spirit pained, my vision blurred,
and my memory changed,
I'll find my words
still on the floor
when I am so old I can hardly sing no more.
8:45 p.m. - 2011-09-04
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renewed
Never forget who you are.
Says a feeling to me.
As I do Reiki over my man's heart chakra.
Never forget who you are.
You're a rainbow.
You're a healer. The fall air will fill me with vigor & energy again!
8:47 a.m. - 2011-09-04
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what a difference a nap makes
Tempting temptations abound.
Yes there are indeed temptations. For so long I've wanted to leave, adventure,
& accomplish, in order to commit, discipline, learn & advance.
In the meantime I explore, but the world I explore is limited.
Yes I do realize that there are levels of knowledge, levels of ability, & positions I must earn.
I understand that I have been doing some work towards a better future, for myself & the world, but not very much.
I realize that I must commit to something & see it through, if ever I am going to get to certain life goals.
I could really, really use a life coach right now.
It seems like I've been desperately trying to assert a positive structure in my life since I finished college but have not tried hard enough; I consider it, in sum, 2 years of sitting on my ass & struggling with my emotions instead of... doing whatever it takes to take control of my life, or to feel in control, or to land a job that I love, or to build community with positive reinforcements, or to chase my dreams, or to save my little part of the Earth...
Am I willing to do whatever it takes to save the Earth? Apparently not. If I was, that would be my focus every day. I would be training/proving myself to EarthFirst right now & helping them. I would be putting more time into Kalpulli & driving less & taking a stand more!
Am I willing to do whatever it takes to chase my dreams? Apparently not, or else I would've finished the film projects by now; would've applied at The Washington Center after college, before it was too late; would've reapplied for the Fulbright in 2010; would be involved with the Minnesota Literacy Center right now so I could be in a better position to get a Fulbright in the future.
Or... I would be volunteering with Arc so I'd be in a better position to be a nanny or travel as an eu pair or get into Camphill Village. I just have so many dreams that I don't know what to prioritize or which chain of internships to pursue. Am I willing to do whatever it takes to be happy? Apparently not. I identify so well with sadness; I'm willing to do whatever it takes for other people to be happy though! And safe, and sound, & healthy!
And I can think of many, many things that would make me happy that I don't do. Often because I'm busy with what must be done, or because I'm navigating the landscape of others' emotional needs, hoping to eventually tiptoe over to what I want to do, at the end... Am I willing to do whatever it takes to be with E? Yes, at least that I can say. I can absolutely commit to life with him though it's hard & there's very many temptations. There are so many challenges & I do prioritize this.
Whether he wants traditional or nontraditional relationship; I expect it will change, back & forth, but I will not leave him!!! Not when the love can flourish so beautifully in just a second, just a second of pause & prayer & togetherness or discovery.
I expect to be set free & reigned in & set free & reigned in & I expect it to be tumultuous because I'm tumultuous inside;
I'm restless because I do prioritize my relationships & showin up for work instead of chasing my dreams.
And also because the world is fuckin burning.
I never knew that my restlessness would be such a big problem, a huge problem, or that feelings of being unappreciated & burdened by others would be such a big deal, surfacing in passive aggression when I had packed them down so well...
I want to speak up more, to tell people I respect them but I need some time to myself. Is that OK?
I really want to ask someone, is that OK? What is best for me? There's no RIGHT thing to do, but there is a right thing for me, & what is that? To have structure? I always rebel against structure & rules! But without it I feel like a slacker! A loser!
A loser who will never get to study or work abroad, or homeschool kids at a foster home I open, or be an effective activist, or write a feature-length screenplay, or be a peacekeeper with the Nonviolent Peaceforce when I'm old! I have long-term stretch goals... it sucks to disappoint myself & fail at my own benchmarks... It sucks to see a milestone in life so easily in reach, & then... It sucks to obsess about the goals also. I obsess whenever I feel like everything will NOT be OK & things will NOT turn out all right. And when I feel that way, I'm so indecisive. At present I want to get away but I know I'm where I need to be.
O God give me strength. Just a little stillness helped.
So here I am blogging, being a slacker, unable to focus on a few things I could really do that would really help people.
I waste so much time sifting through the emotions & choices I can barely deal with!
Why can I not deal? Why does just driving make me space out & risk my life? Why does sitting in the passenger seat so frequently cause me to almost have a nervous breakdown? Why do I pause before getting out of the car & get so overwhelmed by dealing with my life? I've done that since middle school? Why do I pick my nails & feel immobile; why do I pause & stare into space letting my thoughts cycle & then race? They run me over as they grow & race. The consequences for my choices are so heavy & dire;
life does not feel like a game anymore. But it could be-- just a game. With someone it's long term, and that's forever, & that's so hard because I can feel myself changing and I can feel myself NOT CHANGING & I can't keep up with old habits, or old habits can't keep up with me!!! How do you sustain long term commitments when you feel yourself and the world CHANGING SO MUCH & so rapidly?? This I must know & learn to do.
With another it's short term, I can just tell. It can't be sustained, it's an energy drain; on the other hand an energy boost but so so hard...
Have I led anyone on? Haven't I been honest? Am I a distraction from your life? Or is the rest of your life a distraction from time with me??? That's what I want to know. How you feel about this determines a lot.
3:22 p.m. - 2011-09-03
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more job qualifications posted here so i remember
I started working at Custom Care to help adults and children with physical and mental disabilities with daily tasks so they could stay independently living in their homes, at the same time that I was also working as a PCA for People Enhancing People, Best Home Care, and Allegiance Ability Assistance. I have worked in this field for a few clients at a time, since 2006. Custom Care assigned me to help a brother and sister who were struggling with emotional and behavioral problems, who were in elementary & middle school. It was a challenging experience to help them with changing family situations, homework, chores, and social time with their friends, but a very positive one. My other main clients have been adults.
With plenty of collaboratively led trainings in community organizing and anti-oppression work, I could volunteer part-time at community gardens & the Community Table Co op Project, alongside youth as a fellow volunteer interested in a more sustainable future.
I made a point of encouraging the younger participants, who were in high school, & I connected with a charter school partner called YEACorps through SOS to be a grant development intern there. I contributed to the expansion of YEACorps' educational programming for inner city youth at the Minnesota Internship Center.
After having worked as a tutor for high school students from immigrant families through the 2006-2007 school year, I was prepared to help elementary and middle school students at the People's Center after-school program in the 2008-2009 school year. Abdiasis was a great supervisor who had me do one-on-tutoring after group reading time & leading group activities & games each day. He also had me administer & score reading assessment tests to the students who were most stubborn about reading, to determine their reading level at the end of the school year. He has since retired from the Confederation of Somali Community of Minnesota, which hosted the program at The People's Center, but the CSCM phone number provided could help you reach him.
For the past year, I have worked informally as a tutor also-- helping two elementary school students with homework and socialization as their baby-sitter once a week.
11:22 a.m. - 2011-08-31
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happy
It's been a couple weeks... each day balanced on the edge... now we're going strong again. Creating our own reality.
Things will be uniquely new, experimental, unheard of. Just breathe & hold her hand, the Earth is in labor, purging herself of many impurities & birthing, eventually, a new world.
I don't know how many of us will still be part of that world. But I'm determined to be.
To adapt. And survive. To jump forward into the low-tech future.
Yes it has been a good 24 hours. Who knows what today will bring-- Reading Corps-- hurried interviews-- happiness?
Packing things in boxes.
Packing packing is quite necessary; as I do for my clients I do for me & Eros, & the bright new better start at a better place is definitely shining at me from the future.
6:45 a.m. - 2011-08-31
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how
How, Lord, how,
will this hopeless dreaming restlessness ever be addressed?
It's no secret to anyone, but it lives like a secret within me, jumping out of my skin & pulling me along trails I cannot travel.
The fickle focus of feminine fantasy... further & further the imagination urges one to.. do what? What? What can be done?
10:48 p.m. - 2011-08-27
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old BS
I wrote an old BS essay that almost got me into Campus Crusade for Christ in 2006, when I considered a mission trip. Lord, it was BS & full of holes...
"I wanted to be motivated by mature reactions to my engagement in the real world. I wanted my mood swings to MATTER, and I wanted what MATTERED to satisfy my people, me, and God!
Gradually I realized that the true motivator of my life had always been restlessness. I'm restless for meaning, so I could search for something greater, really feel & know the extremes, and change the world in some concrete way. I don't want those to be just callous cliches, I want them to mean something real for me!
My faith seemed to be rewarded with affirmation whenever that restlessness was quelled & I felt that everything would be OK-- when I knew that I had a MISSION, and that God would guide me along my own quest which only I could complete, I had peace. Kind of a paradox." Looking over this crappy old essay, I see that my view of humanity was pretty poor..
10:19 p.m. - 2011-08-27
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deeper
Darkness comes early & energy goes deeper.
Lubrication is needed to bring tears & sadness forth.
Like that tuesday, not quite 2 weeks ago, when I knew I should've been bawling my eyes out & couldn't cry until the rain fell onto my nice new blazer & my shiny black shoes & into my eyes. I folded my upper body around a long brown feather, the feather of condolence that I wanted to shield from wind & rain. Then I could cry, just a little.
And lately, what it takes is the duststorm of unsettled piles of clutter, the impetus of moving, the mouse poop & dander & old kitty fur & the human resin that thinly wafts about from books & boxes left untouched. And today, all it took was chopping some mild green onions I grew. And I cried & some small softened woman full of desperation started to eek out of the flurry of motion & purpose & to-do's that is my being.
In all sorts of weather, in the silences of the night-- or midday-- the desperate soul-searching woman who is ages & ages old makes my heart race and my palms wrinkle as they sink heavily towards the floor.
She is losing the battle for clear thoughts & simple will power. She is torn apart by the other parts of herself. Painfully aware of all the missed connections, half-realized opportunities, failures & traps past & future. The things that could've been, the paths she still could take, the lives she could be living, the children she could almost have, the romances that seemed to spiral infinitely deep in their possibilities & yet they're only unexplored potential.
She can see the next step that she has no strength to take, and cries big heavy sobs as the wonders of possibility slip away into the darkness of another dimension... some unseen dimension, or other lifetime, where different chances are realized & different days of glory are seized.
Why? Why does she identify so well with pain? And fear? The cold hard certainty that the future will be brutal, fast, and full of manual labor.
There are many ways to cope with this-- writing, music, dance, all of them bringing her closer to the clarity of pain. Spirituality, worship, friendship, giving of herself in service even when it feels like there's no energy to give. Many times have I done this, only when I have found a friend out there in the confusion, a friend besides my wandering inner self.
Who is there to empathize, to explore, to have a dialectic with late at night? Who will challenge me & lead me safely through, also? Who can I resonate with, just enough to look up from the treadmill of useless cyclical thoughts, just enough to start to positively seek Spirit again? And, quite importantly, who will not drag me down further with their own destructive patterns?
Why is there the slight flinch recurring? The flinch back from what's honorable & noble, the tiniest tick that could cause me to sabotage myself? Why does this happen now & not at midlife crisis, the expected time of tipping points?
Do I think too much, or is my soul too old, to go along with things that don't feel right... for very long...
Blogging is full of self indulgent time wasted. But it at least encourages people to think, spend time thinking! Even if you're just thinking critically about your life, it's worth doing!
I love you I love you & I love US & I love our family, the whole human family, & I love our cousins, & I love me too...
Boy I want all your dreams to come true, I almost want to work with you to make them true & real & lasting. I almost want to help you. But you haven't asked for help! It breaks my heart when I want to help but no one asks, when I hint but people refuse my help! In helping each other we have a chance to build bridges & be stronger, & never does it weaken or cheapen the individual experience. So what do I do? I ask for help! Myself! And sometimes I don't get it!
Help me, send me a whirlwind of letters, demand that I read a book alongside you, take me to book groups, be my critical audience... help me readers, please... I need a writing coach & at the same time I know I would be a rockin writing coach.
Desperate wandering woman in deep lack has many miles to tread yet. It doesn't help to pace the house. It doesn't help to get caught up in activity after activity distracting people in the city. Her only solace is the hope of maintaining this dark, questioning energy throughout the night, staving off sleep & staying up late, later, latest, to accomplish something small with midnight's inspiration.
Questions abound: why not just be happy? Why forever restless? Why seek solitude in the midst of happy family gatherings, and why seek spontaneous fun with strangers in the middle of serious times of reflection?
Why root out the paradoxes of life & feeling?
I don't know... why can't I have my other restless souls by my side? They would know no better than me... But it's possible that the one too similar to me would lead me astray, and the one opposite & attractive will complement me.
Boyish young restless soul, don't be a martyr, please. Let yourself hope & dream again; if absorbing pain is all there is before us, let us at least do it together...?
Or, is it better this way, to wallow in uncertainty & sorrow apart? Does internalizing the most dangerous thoughts make them disappear, disappear more & more from others' view & then from mine?
I don't do short term relationships, & I don't know who to express this to or how. Every relationship is like a ray, extending out beyond our lifetimes from the point of recognition. Relationships change & sour & get depolarized, but they are never over. You don't stop relating to someone, even after they're gone.
All of this awareness, the knowledge of choices that could lead me further but I won't make them... the awareness tugs at the corners of my mind & makes it more & more & more difficult to live in the present. The aging mind! The restless heart! My cruel body! My passionate blood!
8:29 p.m. - 2011-08-27
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i'm ok
it's ok, it's ok, it's ok
I am never so involved that I can't get away
from anything
let's not repress each other
only accept each other
We all have to remember
to accept each other as different & unique
not to push anyone to be like me
Not to be tempted to conform so others will like us
Not to continue imitation as a form of flattery
or to flatter at all, it's not necessary
We have to accept each other, ask questions
Listen to learn & not to react or judge or have our say
Don't assume people want to learn from my experiences, they just want to learn from their experiences
mostly
& I want to be there & blend with them & experience those things too; how strongly I want to share
Yet
that is pushing
pushing people too far
beyond their comfort zones, beyond their selves
I must resist the urge to blend into people
& to blend them into me.
2:21 p.m. - 2011-08-24
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my day
Observation.
The day began with observation. Observing the light shining through trees by the fence into the poor neglected yard.
Oolong tea and blueberries & granola to remind me of Bill.
Then. Inspiration. Compassion.
Knowing I wanted to bring a sponge, 2 onions, & 1 big fat just-ripened tomato that Bill would be proud of... to a man... to a man who didn't say thank you.
Then I cooked an omelette with refried beans & part of that huge Granny Clampett tomato, & added a garnish of lettuce from my garden. Then I put old gifts in the sun: my old gifts of a tomato & pepper that still needed to be ripened.
Then I helped someone get dressed, & a man entered looking for cigarettes. A man who used to be thin & smiling & walking, now slumped & round & riding a scooter thing with his knees poking out at angles. Promises of potatoes in exchange for cigarettes were empty. I figured. He was in such a hurry to light up-- and then get to an ash tray-- that he scooted forward on that too-small scooter to the living room & bumped his knee & dropped burning ash on himself & started moaning in pain.
An old scab on his knee burst & blood poured out, dark old blood thinner & faster than water. I applied my only Band Aid to the wound & got him paper towels to hold in the blood, cleaned it up off the floor, & highly encouraged him to leave. As I had before.
But then he finally did leave and... never returned with promised groceries.
And never said Thank you. I proceeded to make a strawberry banana smoothie, with some old strawberry freezer jam I'd made, & also a hearty soup of rice, hamburger, carrots, celery, cabbage, my onion, pepper, tomato, and spices. The day before I had overhauled a raised bed so it can be a productive garden box with the most sun possible, no more yard waste in it, food waste to compost that I'd collected & potting soil mixed in. It was my idea to help someone else & his daydreams of garden grandeur. No one said thank you.
On that day I also helped a senior woman get from party to party on an eventful evening for a quiet rich neighborhood-- a welcome chance for her to peer into others' fancy homes & gossip. Nice company, good food,
loads of foreign art & time and space to wander & feel out of place. Always. I am more comfortable out of place than staying IN MY PLACE. Why... why could I not think of anything pertinent to say? To rich people? There's plenty pertinent things to discuss, real actionable things, & yet nothing came to mind. Defensiveness on my part.
So quick to deflect the inquisitive others by calling myself a loser, I'm just a loser who can make fun of herself.
I said goodnight to my older friend & she said Thank you.
The day before last,
o don't get me started...
The day before last I helped that older woman clean out loads & loads of old papers, so much valuable horded junk to be cleared out or sold... Trash mixed in with treasures made mouse fur & poop fly & I couldn't stop sneezing, but still I worked until she gave me books & strawberries & bid me goodbye,
and then I went to pick up the kids.
The kids are so so bored at home, & take so much for granted in their lives. I told them the chips & the 2 boxes of strawberries were snacks for them, & they never said Thank you. Only when prompted have they ever, ever thanked me, for driving them safely home & cooking for them & encouraging them until their mom gets home.
The young boy made a point of eating all HIS strawberries, but didn't look up at me once. They did, however, try to teach me to play piano, to play video games, to skateboard & paint with watercolors, for which I am grateful.
And so, that day ended graciously, with many thoughts of the extreme materialistic restlessness of that environment & the routine thanks & pay from the mom. Grateful.
And Gracious.
And soon another day will begin, a day to wistfully wonder as I cook another breakfast, make another pot of coffee, give someone a shower, & re-assemble & clean a kitchen. Meanwhile, my kitchen is disgusting & I have no energy for it at home...
As grateful as anyone could be, I could not stay in this position while the state cuts my pay. Unilateral pay cut for all PCAs. September 1st. Why? Why us?
10:13 p.m. - 2011-08-20
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numb
The feeling of being spent,
and of having cried all you can cry,
is the feeling of heavy tired red eyes,
and barely ever can I cry anymore,
but I frequently feel like I just finished having a fit.
Let me be numb for a while. At least today! Do I want to live simply? No, not really. Simple domestications & repetitive tasks are merely means to an end. Maybe when I'm old they can be ends in themselves. But presently I've no time or use for comfort, input, reading, or anything...
1:31 p.m. - 2011-08-17
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reader
The reader said:
10 of Swords-- complete devastation
Above the Strength card-- that's me
And the 8 of Swords-- being blind & bound only mentally
And the 2 of Cups-- the beginning of a relationship... not reconciliation..
Leading to the Tower... even worse shatterings.
She said today I have just seen rumbles of the massive change that will come.
:(
Then she did 2 relationship spreads.
1 was a beautiful, sad story: the 3 of wands sits at a crossroads, confused, looking toward the future. Beneath, the 10 of cups is the bountiful woman, the Knight of Cups is the sensitive man, & between them, the whole world. Below, an unexciting two of pentacles: balance in finances. The other story wasn't clear. Above, the 2 of wands looks to the future optimistically; cards crowded with smiling people show boredom, at first, then satisfaction, fulfillment, children. The 9 of cups shines brightly. I forget the last card...
7:36 p.m. - 2011-08-16
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Wuv.
My dear dear friend.
Come into my life, I want to show, show, show you, my dear dear friend, as Regina Spektor would say.
I want you to be free. But I respect you & want you too to be respected & honor commitments, though they look far from freedom to me.
I've only experienced what I have experienced of freedom-- I don't know what it means to you. I don't know shit.
I know freedom from want, I know freedom to starve; freedom from danger, which is safety, and freedom from conformity, and freedom from rules that keep me otherwise safe.
I know too there is a point when my freedom impinges on others, & it's just carelessness & recklessness. My friends & my fellow humans & I have been so, so, so careless. I'm so sorry...
It was a rush, it is a rush, to live & work & build & create. And yet in this we steal & trample & take.
And lie and fake.
And I'm sorry.
We wuv you....?
10:47 p.m. - 2011-08-13
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let-downs
Sometimes when you're biking uphill & just having a pitiful day,
feeling sorry for yourself, all the let-downs of the past come back to you.
You know that you meant to forgive & forget, but there's so many, many times when people have let ya down.. Everyone's been let down.
Weird how it all surfaces in the heat of sweat & tears, & I wonder why I so often swallowed disappointment, stifled emotion, trying so hard to immediately get over things because an emotional reaction was never helpful. Though it would've been appropriate.
So many times I've avoided blaming people & have found myself gulping down accusations to say, "Well then the consequence is X. Let's get on with X."
Too action-oriented. So much gets bottled up. The price of stoicism... is that it's hard to be stoic later, when memories flood your dry tired eyes in the midst of a daily routine.
Wow. My jaw just dropped at how different my life would be if... if... if I hadn't missed the boat thanks to other people missin the boat. And if there hadn't been so many close calls, rejections, missed encounters, dances with danger, unnecessary risk & refusal & rejection & exclusion again & again & again.
9:59 p.m. - 2011-08-13
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wow
2 kids are so silly in love crashing on my couch hopelessly homeless & happy & this feels like home.
Forever people can crash on my couch or spare rooms or basement, as they did & do at my parents' house, & without judgment or indentured servitude-- that is my intention.
But I might have to take off because I do seek sanctuary, privacy & solitude...
instead of a beautiful Spartan sanctuary I have chosen/co-created here a chaotic messy community sanctuary of conversation & music.
One man brings out the responsible caretaker in me & one man brings out the crazy harlequin in me; or maybe it's just how our needs & wants are intersecting at the time; I don't know... Harlequin harlot is tired; she wants to rest for a thousand years.
She can only be woken by a knight's cautious kiss-- and for him to kiss her, he would actually have to pursue her first, through the thick of thorns of her whirlwind life.
8:30 p.m. - 2011-08-13
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freewrite more
How I love the logic of directories, subdirectories, the ease of categorization in most cyberspaces. It is so intuitive, more & more so. It makes learning fun. It begs to be tried out.
Right now I'm trying things out at
paradoxism.org
Please check it out & create a username so we can channel our absurd creative tantrums into meta-organized Drupal goodness!
And then we might try something besides Drupal.
I am so sorry & so sad so frequently.
I can barely get a handle on my emotions once I start to think about my emotions, think about what I should & shouldn't feel-- or do-- but I can, in the end, calm myself down, get enough of a handle on things to function. But. But. Meta-emotions. Meta-priorities. They are so hard.
It is better to just practice Radical Acceptance, as in DBT, radically accept & notice how you feel.
Freewrite. Wish. Fantasize. Indulge the imagination. Disregard the 'should's. I don't, don't like the word Trapped. I don't want anyone to feel trapped. Please, boys, don't be trapped. Please, girls, don't trap or be trapped. Think about what you learn from others & what they can learn from you-- anything can be a Collaboration & mutually beneficial, rather than a Trap! Depending on how you look at it.
I am past jealousy, I am almost over it, I am almost to the point of seeing Love & Belonging as collaborations, as mutually beneficial ever-expanding classrooms of life.
So teach her & learn from her as much as you can, it is your right, it is your indulgence, I am glad for you; if I were in your shoes I'd do it too! I'd also change my mind a lot, if I were in your shoes, as I already do.
I wish I wish for all your wishes to come true. And for me to be a part of it.
There are several people who I wish had all their wishes come true. God has 'given them the desires of their hearts' in that they have worthy desires, worthwhile wishes. I want to be a part of it; I wish to grant wishes!
But I am a human, not a genie.
I wish to feel better. I wish for solitude.
I wish to pay attention to myself some more because I shouldn't expect anyone to pay attention to me-- unrealistic expectation-- but -- when with others I'm frequently just giving them my energy & attention, no matter who they are. And not drawing attention to myself, unless I feel real positive & outgoing & particular.
Only when I feel positive should I expect others to pay attention to me-- stupid should's won't go away-- I don't want to share my sorrow.
They say sorrow shared is sorrow halved & I don't believe it.
Last night I dreamt of an energy vampire stalking me. He was sort of cute. & creepy.
8:11 p.m. - 2011-08-13
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I recommend everyone do this!
IDEAL Becca ---- Real Becca strong --------weak
aware --------- fairly ignorant
quick ------- delayed
sexy ---------- sexy
street smart ---- sort of street smart
researcher ------- hearsayer
committed ------- mostly reliable
finding abundance ----frugal sound economic planner
at peace ------- firestorm inside
graceful ------- beautiful clutz
full of love -------- in love
wise ---------- academic
wild -------- wilding
dancer -------- amateur dancer
writer ----- writing
9:36 a.m. - 2011-08-10
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ow
I'm so sorry
I'm so so bad
I am afraid that if I started all over
I might choose neither man
No one
No
I would wait for a last-born intelligent athletic secure money-making man.
But maybe I'd be too picky, starting over again. Too jaded by experience? No, I'm not like that yet.
I'm so so sorry
Yes things will change
and he will grow into all I need
and I will grow into someone who has all she needs
because she's resourceful..
11:26 a.m. - 2011-08-09
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more concisely... job applications
For two years I helped large, diverse groups of students with math, reading and writing homework through Augsburg Reads-- first high school students, then elementary and middle school students from immigrant families in the dense, changing Cedar-Riverside neighborhood of Minneapolis. I was given the freedom to bring in newer, more relevant books & activities for mandatory reading time & skills improvement time, and the responsibility to administer standardized tests to the students who seemed to be doing poorly in order to assess their reading level at the end of the school year. It was fun to work in that dynamic group setting, and rewarding to find that all the children who'd groaned at mandatory reading time had improved in reading comprehension over the school year, regardless! I was glad to immerse myself in that neighborhood's culture as well, living and working there and volunteering with children's activities at a Common Bond Communities apartment building, through Campfire USA.
I remember conversations with youth who were skipping school, as well as with youth who were determined to succeed for the sake of getting into their ideal college. Helping these two kinds of students connect, and help each other out socially and academically, was the most important thing I was a part of there.
Today I better understand the way children respond to questions, tests, and rubrics, and I can explain their homework better than before. I had the opportunity to score the reading comprehension responses of 5th & 6th graders' standardized tests when I recently worked at Questar Assessment. After reviewing thousands of children's short essays, I see the common gaps in understanding that I can address in a school setting.
Of course, much of youths' development happens outside the school setting. Civic engagement is an empowering part of their socialization and play that I'm excited to facilitate.
I am currently involved in a rigorous volunteer training program for young people to connect with our local partners in the green economy. It's called the Summer of Solutions, and the program has connected me with weekly volunteer work at the Concrete Beet Farm, the East Philips Community Garden, and a nonprofit called YEA Corps (Young Enterprising Agents). My main drive in Summer of Solutions is to support the teenage participants who are involved through Step-Up, encouraging them as we volunteer, brainstorm, & they groan through summer school. Meanwhile, as a YEACorps intern, I am expanding the capacity of this educational start-up that will bring more sustainability programs to youth at risk of dropping out of school, working with charter schools as soon as the school year starts. I look forward to continuing to volunteer with YEACorps after I earn their Certificate of Sustainability Education.
This summer I chose to work only part-time in order to volunteer as much as possible with Summer of Solutions. This commitment was worth it and I have enjoyed the creative freedom and egalitarian setting of volunteer work so much that I don't want to go into fall with a traditional job.
I am already committed to living in the Twin Cities over the next year as I support my husband in his last year of college; I want to support my community also. There are many ways that a year of service would benefit me.
When volunteering, I feel useful, not like I'm at work being held hostage by wages.
I feel like I'm part of something, empowered, standing in solidarity with others and equally collaborating. I ask questions more, and volunteer my input more than in a traditional work place.
I find a respectful way to say everything, but mostly I listen and appreciate others' contributions.
I can do outreach to diverse audiences as I'm learning to facilitate groups in a productive, thorough, measured way. I explain myself more & more clearly when people ask why I'm doing the volunteer work --people actually want to know the reasons for my objectives and goals and hopes!
My hopes are many: empowering others with knowledge, creating wealth by building community, eliminating poverty and achievement gaps, promoting the short-term and long-term safety of our youth-- the list is ever-growing.
11:00 a.m. - 2011-08-09
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work
Yesterday I worked on the Loft Distro. route with Eric, from 2 pm to 3, from 3:45- 6, & 7:30 -9 pm.
4.75 hours. We traveled 68 miles just for that purpose, & more miles for other purposes. It was a beautiful sunny day, not too humid or hot, surprisingly not that busy. We helped people & took care of ourselves & each other too. The night before, the wind had carried loud carefree songs breaking from open lungs, as the sun shone at such a beautiful angle through the trees, glistening briefly on the moss 'round their trunks, & the earth was soft with a slightly moist cover of dead leaves in the hallowed clearing between pines and chokecherries.
Crickets sounded off more cautiously than during deeper darker nights of fog and mist surrounding these wetlands meeting prairie meeting dense coniferous stands of life. Life, stoic and Minnesotan and yawning wide open, happened between the mysteries of overcast skies and rolling fog on roads.
And last night, I dreamt of a war between blunt machines and Ents, a picture album turned into a pot for human soup, and a music lesson that could barely start before I woke.
11:00 a.m. - 2011-08-03
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Essay from high school
How much of your life consists of fake things? Take a moment to define what is fake: the world of fashion shows, movies, plays, the world of music and music videos, video games, comic books, fiction, tabloids, soap opera stars, Internet games, Internet chat and message boards, TV shows, the models in magazines, the “beauty tips” in magazines, the scene at concerts, at drinking parties, at anime expositions, in role playing games, card games, the telephone dating system...
Yeah, I may have insulted your favorite thing just now, but you have to admit that all of that is make-believe, to an extent. Make-believe with the aid of alcohol, or make-believe with the aid of high resolution 3-D characters, or the aid of convenient World Wide anonymity on the Web. It’s incredible, how our culture has found so many ways to make-believe anything.
Now, whatever the amount, subtract what is fake from your lives and look at what is real today. A lot of our high school world is not real. People put on fronts to invent their own coolness, and suddenly everyone is worrying about how they measure up to the cool people, the ones who invented a cool persona. Reality does seep in later on in high school, though. Those who hid will show themselves, and the pain that lead to the invention of a new persona will be manifested as itself, nothing but pain. In people. Some will have to face reality sooner than others.
Motherhood and fatherhood, birth and death are things that shock us into reality, like shortcuts... They’re not always shortcuts to maturity, though. Only to the truth. Yeah, I sound like I’m offering you a red pill to exit the Matrix. Or will you take the blue pill, go back to your plugged-in life and forget all you heard? Hee hee, just kidding.
The truth, the reality of this world, is all around us and always has been. Personal crisis shouldn’t be the only thing that makes people realize it. What about all the other shocking things that we’re supposed to care about? The sale of tropical rainforest for cattle grazing! The demoralization of adults in Africa during this AIDS crisis! The history that scars Cambodia! Bosnia! And what about the USA! And the historic Indian uprisings in Minnesota! The historic lynching of black circus-workers in Duluth!
I can tell you, right now, that each day, 2300 more American children are reported missing. Furthermore, most of you don’t give a shit. Even furthermore, you are more concerned that I just said shit than you are that 2300 children went missing today. And that’s what I want to discuss with you today. Your morality.
But first, pop quiz. Question 1: Is something OK to do if a star says so? Hmm, a no-brainer, right? Question 2: Does the voice of pop culture have more authority than the Bible?
Question 3: Do the voices of world leaders have more authority over our thoughts and actions than the Bible? Ah, interesting. From your answers, I’m pretty much getting the vibe that... when everyone else is doing it, that doesn’t make something right??? And... when our President says that it’s wartime, even THAT doesn’t make an act justified??? Now I’m curious, where DO you all get your sense of morals?
Indeed, as Christians we have many tools to see what is right. We’ve all been given a conscience. We have the Bible. We have the Holy Spirit helping us in everything. We have the adults in the church who decide where the church stands on certain things, and who live out a good example for us. I’d think that Christians would be the most certain people about what’s right and wrong... But, what do you suppose gets in the way of that?
Ok, I see that there’s a lot of the world, a lot of one’s flesh, that obstructs one’s vision. What’s the solution? As I remember it, discernment is the solution. “If your hand causes you to sin, cut off your hand. If your eye causes you to sin, poke out your eye...” Likewise, if your hands or eyes or any part of your lives are causing your morals to blur, get rid of those parts! It is written: “Before you can take a grain of sand from someone’s eye, take the big plank of wood out of your own eye!”
... Because once we’re SURE of what is right, and beautiful, and pure, and holy, we can ACT on that!
Now, how I would love to say, in answer to all the problems I have mentioned: “But the church will take action!” ...”The history of a place will affect its future, but the church will take action!” And that could hold true, I truly believe, if the church consciously steps out of the fake and into the real world again. The world of growing close friendships in the church, finding something to pray for outside the church, and making connections with the suffering, persecuted churches all over the world. You all know that these are the things God longs for. ... ok?
Somebody once said, “You don’t come up with a pure glass of water by dipping your cup in the mud.” It’s quite true for our lives, even with the little dips into make-believe..
12:27 p.m. - 2011-07-30
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addiction
Addiction isn't love.
preoccupation
repetitive thoughts
cycles of adrenaline & anxiety
euphoria & depression
just when you think it's over, it isn't
rushed action at the last second, when the will is weak
& excuses
fantasies taking away from the now
distraction
endorphins
the high & the crash
wild things get wilder
you don't feel like you can live without...
obsession
reluctance
dishonesty
the forbidden
unwinding at the end of the day
bolting towards your obsession as soon as you wake
constant contact
losing interest in other activities
hoping stupid hopes
disregard long-term goals
anxious to hurry when there's no hurry
no patience, no calm
the body responds
indulging thoughts
forced absence & rushed renewal
quitting & not quitting
the instinct to drop everything
jealousy
attempts at impressing
need for attention
desires turned to demands
clicking with another addicted personality
& shutting out the rest of the world
idealizing someone
ready to give up everything to prove a point
contradicting yourself
looking for loopholes
escaping
even when there's little to escape from
playing with fire
can't trust your will power
animal instincts
want to let go but can't
hard to seek help
everything's a drama
emotional rollercoaster
feeling bipolar
body image
comparisons
losing sleep & just don't care
losing will to speak
imagining control
can't keep healthy boundaries
promises,
like policy,
change nothing
wishing to start over
& over
passions nurtured & killed
your own prophecies fulfilled
going crazy
loss
expecting sympathy
self pity
defensiveness
3:13 p.m. - 2011-07-28
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Job applications!
1.Encouraging elementary age children to read interests me greatly because I love kids, I love reading, I love children's books, and I have fun finding creative ways to make homework and academic goals into play! Over the past year I've been a sitter and tutor for two elementary school children in Blaine, and I've worked as a personal care assistant for two elementary age children with disabilities and emotional/behavioral disorders in Chaska. I have learned much more patience and flexibility in these roles, more so than when I worked as a tutor through Augsburg Reads Homework Help in large group settings.
2.For two years I helped large, diverse groups of students with math, reading and writing homework through Augsburg Reads-- first high school students from immigrant families, and then elementary and middle school students from immigrant families in the dense, changing Cedar-Riverside neighborhood of Minneapolis. I was given the freedom to bring in newer, more relevant books & activities for mandatory reading time & skills improvement time, and the responsibility to administer standardized tests to the students who seemed to be doing poorly in order to assess their reading level at the end of the school year. It was fun to work in that dynamic group setting, and rewarding to find that all the children who'd groaned at mandatory reading time had improved in reading comprehension over the school year, regardless! I was glad to immerse myself in that neighborhood's culture as well, living and working there and volunteering with children's activities at a Common Bond Communities apartment building, through Campfire USA.
3.Today I better understand the way children respond to questions, tests, and rubrics, and I can explain their homework better than before. I had the opportunity to score the readning comprehension responses of 5th & 6th graders' standardized tests, when I recently worked at Questar Assessment. After reviewing thousands of children's short essays, I see the common gaps in understanding that I can address as a tutor.
I am currently involved in a rigorous volunteer training program for young people to connect with our local partners in the green economy. It's called the Summer of Solutions, and the program has connected me with weekly volunteer work at the Concrete Beet Farm, the East Philips Community Garden, and a nonprofit called YEA Corps. My idea of community service is multi-faceted. It can be fun, invigorating, and educational, nourishing the bonds between neighbors and the souls of the volunteers.
Whether I'm involved in disaster relief work with Lutheran Social Services, covering an event for the Twin Cities IndyMedia news blog, helping with stages during the May Day Parade or the Give Minnesota pledge drive, I always find a way to make myself useful wherever I go. That has been very empowering so far.
1:01 a.m. - 2011-07-26
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I will have these days once a month.
please please please please.
Yes? OK?
OK. But how?
O he had to go, but without Bill I am without supports. I am back to being a messy basement blogger; will I ever do anything right in the garden? Not until morning. Not until energy returns. The whole weekend will be given to others & attention will be given them, so this is my 1 chance to write & feel sorry for myself.
I can't nap, the one thing that would save me.
8:10 p.m. - 2011-07-22
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Louis
Thank you Louis, EcoAfro Man,
author of the Holy Land is All the Earth,
thank you for reminding us about Tom Goldtooth & IEN,
Leah Foshay, Annie Young, Sam Grant,
people I should know!
And world work process psychology-- what is that?
And thank you Van Jones-- there are things I should do!
What's stopping me? I ask you.
It is my right to be ignorant, my right to live my own insluar life. My sense of responsibility to the small picture... But forever I will be haunted by the big, bigger, biggest picture... the ones I can't see. O! And the alternate realities!
I plead with the alternate me's of the other universes, the parallel universe me's-- please, as different as you are, lend me your power in this reality! Send me some of your power, so that all can be well. Help me grow into potential. And in strength & awareness of this Universe & yours. The Multiverse loves me... and through awareness, stillness, meditation, I too lend my power to the other potential me's. The parallel me's. Help me ... to see the alternative realities available!
7:32 p.m. - 2011-07-22
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over
hold back
push it down
try to relax
go slack
choke it back
let it drown
don't smile
don't frown
speak in facts
let him down
don't sigh
say goodbye
bury passion
let it die
pull away
fight it back
don't have a spazz attack
still your heart
slow your breath
cool down
let it be
an idea's death
redirect
pass the test
with tired eyes
thin disguise
a feeling dies
4:42 p.m. - 2011-07-22
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Reflection from June 14
The timid, civilized,
observant child grows aware & gets wounded, matures slowly & develops fast,
sensitivity sets in.
The weak voice gets more articulate.
It whispers insights to loved ones & a few friends pulled close.
But then the kid feels the unexpected surge of love-- close & closer, energy transference, a quickening of her politically correct identity rhetoric--
surges of hormonal winds whip her hair about as the kid becomes an adult and now she feels the urgent impulses to go, go go-- exert herself, build & grow,
push herself into new uncomfortable spaces & programs & jobs.
To bike home as fast, fast as she can, and grab her man and not let go.
Passions engulf & drive her to dare, risk, go too far, and fantasies become reality.
With thoughts of fighting or intimacy, her muscles eagerly tense and her heartbeat pounds quicker as she flies flights of fancy while forcing her body to do mundane tasks...
Suddenly rhetoric MUST become ACTION, she can't help but feel wild and fierce and boy-crazy and strong, but not strong enough-- and working-class....
Transition from cute to hot.
From bookworm to restless workaholic.
From the nerd to her rival-- and she Understands, now, the urges--
to work & play hard & love many with all her heart & trip & smoke & EXPERIENCE...
Looking like her swearing, tattoed, dyed, pierced, active, toned, sunburnt, drug tolerant, boy-crazy rival of old. Now she understands what she couldn't when she had avoided social play & had sat down to read.
She was sheltered & that was good-- but the unsheltered rival was NOT bad or crude or trashy. She was LIVING!
What the kid knew in her mind and felt in her spirit, she now feels in her BLOOD.
11:05 a.m. - 2011-07-19
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in between
Ah the power of In between.
The power of midnight, moons, puberty, & possibilities...
All the negative space, the outcomes that didn't happen, must be considered.
From last weekend:
The choices we didn't make, the words unspoken, the clues that slipped past our numb fingers, these matter in the other realities.
In this universe we can't grasp the space between the things we think we can grasp.
We only suspect the power of in between, the spark that happens when matter pops out of existence, and dark matter turns up elsewhere.
Someday I will pop into that parallel-- and discover-- how my choices didn't matter.
--Or --how they did? An old reflection, from January 2008:
Magic is the art & science of getting results....
Stars live the best most enduring kind of myth.
The ones that hardly know each other, shining bright so many light years away, are grouped because we think them neighbors and entrust them with our faith.
The faith of peoples-- in the stars' shapes and stories, through the millenia, enchants them from afar.
Puzzled & delighted, they circle, still, as we bestow our magic & myth upon them.
We so long for Pisces & Aquarius to measure our civilization, and for Libra in sun sign to mark our births, and for Venus' movement into Leo to forecast our days.
The days we live in prophecy fulfilled are days of legend to the psyche.
When the sky & calendar we see, because we were dropped here in the galaxy, unquestioningly, coincide with gravity's tide,
we can reach for the moon and bask in starlight.
We can recount tales of the hunter & the scorpion to find our age-old perceptions reflected in the heavens.
Stars live with our hopes & dreams & night travels on their shoulders.
our movement among them seems to spell, in patterns of light and dark & warmth and cold, our predictions for the future.
So they send out four ages' worth of light & then drift away from sight-- so someday when we are waiting for their signs, their clues for what we should do,
we'll realize we've been looking to the ghosts of stars long gone.
They'll have left us with a small supply of myths about their disappearance, but for their own last hot years they'll skip galaxies, maybe skip universes.
Stars live the most exciting myths.
9:56 a.m. - 2011-07-19
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choices
Our choices don't matter. They only lead us further down the spiral of this reality, this universe, & all the other choices we could've made
spin off into other potentialities & parallel realities...
But it's possible that the parallel universe me is, while alien, still essentially me. The real me, regardless of environment or choices, yes it's possible that the real me is still quite like me, & she wanders the lifepaths of thousands of alternate realities at once, calling to me... to continue being the real me. Or maybe she's completely different, which makes it pretty hard not to judge myself. Better? Worse? What if?
Nah, it can't have mattered that much...
I just have faith in the stability of my soul, as wide & everlasting as it is/could be... The soul I might share with alternate Beccas; may they be true to themselves! Volunteering...
It lifts my spirits
I feel useful
I feel like I'm not being held hostage by money
I feel like I'm part of something, some very important human movement
I'm learning a respectful way to say everything
I'm empowered
I'm standing in solidarity with others, by supporting their ideas for volunteer events
I'm listening with no rush to proselytize or work hard
I'm appreciated... but then, sometimes, not at all
I'm just happy with the thankless secret gifts I can give people to brighten their day
I'm learning to facilitate groups in a productive, thorough, respectful way
I'm learning to ask questions more
I realize I have something to contribute in almost every situation-- will I hold back in case I can allow someone else to step in, step up.
I step back & see others shine
I am good at the supporting role, not in the leadership or bravado roles
I am low-key & can slip in to new groups & situations
I need not be low-key though, because I can explain myself more & more clearly, & why I'm doing this
I have reasons for my hope that people actually want to hear, rather than assume I'm in it for money or glory
I am more comfortable as an uncommitted volunteer...
9:16 p.m. - 2011-07-17
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today's tarot
Celtic cross
What covers me: the knight, the guardian of possessions, the clever one who coaxes turtles out of their shells
What crosses me: The Chariot, the only major arcana symbol-- of victory & gain & self-control, self-mastery.
The basis of the situation:
A Seven, of turtles, a card of unexpected material gain, & of community & sharing.
Behind me:
The sorrow of break-ups & word from an old lover. Five of frogs, a card of change.
Before me: the balanced 2 of Butterflies, showing a treaty, reconciliation, a way to work together.
Crowning me: the mysterious 9 of Thunderbirds, speaking to the crows & warding off evil. She is the shaman playing music high on a look-out-- full of wisdom, completion, personal loss but Impersonal Love.
My feelings on the situation:
they range from the close, loving 3 of Frogs to the distant, mourning 6 of Butterflies. Dealing with my thoughts & emotions, I want closeness & often fail to see the loving support that's right behind me...
Others' feelings on the situation:
Knight of thoughts & rationality, bringing conflict but also coming to my defense. Others think that this is not a good time for changes, or new plans.
Outcome:
the beautiful Queen of Butterflies, willing to share her thoughts with all. Shrewd, masterful, sometimes she thinks too linearly... is this the future me?
7:00 p.m. - 2011-07-16
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volunteer
Aged.
I'm looking at the pictures & at my day-to-day blah... I look aged. Since spring. Yes, I look older & whiter & lined. With tired red eyes.
And that's OK. Aged by a slight strain and sorrow; that's how I'll look going into my 24th year.
But there's room for laughter, now, laughter to make me grow younger again. The beauty of sorrow & joy.
It's there.
I am content, content somehow with unrequited love & requited love, & with nurturing committed love. All out of tears. Dry and cool --
Volunteering has done so much for me.
It has lifted up my faith in myself & humanity... more later.
10:10 p.m. - 2011-07-15
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ways that volunteering has helped me
Do you know what it's like to feel that there is something more, & know that there is something more, & find ways to that something, & still not go after it?
To tell yourself you can't or shouldn't have it...
Maybe HAVING it is too much, & not the objective at all.
Having something else to want is always helpful, actually.
6:03 p.m. - 2011-07-15
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loves
There are internal oppressions & internal chatter & a thousand internal assumptions to conquer.
I think single people get more done! Ha! Relationships are a great distraction & the main use of my energy, & also they are all that makes life worth living... We walk a delicate balance between the means to live & the reasons to keep living.
I wonder, again and again, whether I'm just playing house like so so many wives end up doing without wanting to, without trying. Being aware of patriarchal oppressive relationship structures from history helps, only a little-- last year I read The Cinderella Complex & was shocked to see how common were the attitudes of
entitlement & sheltering & laziness & apathy among American feminist wives in the 80's, when that book was written.
It's all passed down, surely some of it's true today.
When you pass a milestone, any milestone, you have expectations, & maybe you expect everything to be OK If....
If... we all work together
If... we meet our goals
If... we maintain health & wealth for ourselves
If... we prioritize our families
If... we just trust God.
But then, I suppose, stereotypes & guilt come in, these are part of internal oppression I think. Couples are supposed to do heteronormative things I guess; live privately, defer to the man, clean house, have kids, share finances. Even in committed homo relationships people fall into roles & start playing house when they don't mean to, as I learned from that lesbian memoir The Ship That Sailed Into the Room.
I hope more people think about this; not just think about it but invent games/events/contracts,if necessary, to prevent the habitual patterns we inherit.
More & more couples will, I think, take James Parks' class about alternative relationship contracts, & things will get clearer & more unique & experimental & of course more complex. You can read about his theories of stripping away psychological fantasy scripts & building up designer marriage contracts online:
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/RC.html It's pretty interesting, but also scary. Often relationship(s) is all humans live for, & when they change, it changes the rest of your experience. A strong person in deed can feel so weak in thought patterns, in emotions. I wonder how many others would be public geniuses & raging successes if not for this feeling. An artificial weakness-- reinforced by all the Family Values crusades we've ever been subjected to, saying Keep it Together AT HOME, that's what's important.
Yes, that's what's important, but my eyes have been opened to how wide & adaptive HOME can be. When I was camping in the Gifford Pinchot National Forest, among the Rainbow Gathering, everyone said WELCOME HOME because the wilderness is our home-- anywhere people treat each other well can be home. And you can have an extended family of 40,000 or 6 billion-- then how do you keep it together at home?
There are strategies, tactics, & very little we're supposed to do except live lightly on the land, & respect each other.
Life is lived in common & that means at the Gathering everyone can hear you fighting with your partner or child, everyone is there for you when you get hurt or start to freak out... this is leading to a revolution in our personal lives as The Personal Becomes Political.
And so my messed up complicated life is revolutionary too, & we aren't handling it too well. Always there is the temptation to go back to Simplicity & Normality: exclusivity & jealous satisfaction & gratitude for just the joyful basics of life.
Yet there's no going back-- we are studying change & it is changing us. You know? Will we ever move beyond the norms of the hero Dad & the martyr Mom? That is, the significant other who is the only one to pick you up from the dumps in a cold, cruel world, the only one you rely on... If we could just make the world more abundantly loving & warm. Abundance is the key to prosperity, peace, & nonviolent revolution.
What do you think?
6:02 p.m. - 2011-07-15
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running to...?
All my life, ever since I was 5, I know,
I've been running away. Or just restless enough to want to run away.
What is my soul running from then? What is there to run to?
From the material world to the spiritual world, my soul is running, now jogging, now limping onward, slower, & waylaid.
"Take my hand and lead me to meaning."
I want to live freely, love freely, forgive myself...
let myself breathe more & be still.
BUT!
The world is dying! Times are urgent & hard!
And-- even if they weren't-- I would feel that they were. I would still push myself to hurry up & grab onto something. To hurry up & achieve.
To mature, grow up, & get ahead of my fidgety spirit before it breaks free of me.
So I hurried up & I graduated & got married & made money & am strategizing better ways to make more money.
And I found ways to help the community & volunteer & sort of make a name for myself here; now I see how all of these experiences have been good for me & I don't know if any of it was about the spirit of altruism. Maybe all of it was about me.
Something I had to do.
and still have to do!
But why? Where am I going with all this? What am I saving up for? More generosity, more well being & happiness, ideally.
Buying land? The only thing God ain't makin no more of?
(No, there are other things that there will be no more of...)
Why this urgency?
Why do I feel that I MUSTN'T waste time playing video games or being childlike or going to church or being boy-crazy?
I'm running from juvenile things; it is early childhood that I'm homesick for.
Maybe I hated middle school so much that ever since I've been appalled by the juvenile, macho, & adolescent attitudes wherever I find them... I find them increasingly in the adult world.
I am running away, towards... an ancient tome of secrets chained to a tree in a beautiful lonesome grove, which I dreamt of once but could not find.
I am running away from materialism, via physicality, work, exertion, sensuality, altered states, getting lost, asking for others' perspectives, hunger & abstinence, making things difficult for myself...
LOVE
and LOSS.
4:45 p.m. - 2011-07-15
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storiez
I will be an existential detective & I will help people with a combination of psychology, environmental science, & hard research... I will need a partner. It will be hard work. The backstories I discover to help solve my clients' coincidences & mysteries will fill tomes of memoirs, or pulp novels, which I will be driven to write when I escape from the seedy existential underground & retreat from any enemies, into the woods.
I will need a co-author & editor. These books will draw interest & coworkers & together we will live radically in a writers' commune until we are old & cranky, at which point hopefully we will have enough money to start a think tank. Yes, the think tank of expatriate intellectual prescriptive goodness, which will publish a quarterly research journal chock full of our opinions..
And the research will get serious again. Current events & history must be questioned by empiricism, existentialism, & transcendentalism, & spiritualism too.
We must begin this philosophical think tank with haste & influence dignitaries & public officials this way. That's what all the other think tanks are doing.
And who would like to be a research fellow at this think tank? You can set your own hours of course, & I'll pay you in Euros. How does that sound? How I desperately need a research assistant, or at least someone to encourage me to keep being my own research assistant. I want to just camp out in some slightly southerly woods for the rest of the summer, isolated but available to those who would seek me out, reading & researching & praying.
I don't want to be left alone, I just... want...my own space, & for people to come to me for once.
All my life I've been running to & with other people. Few of them come to me or call me up or visit or ever ask my input.
And when they ask they don't really listen. This is the world I'm used to.
I can escape it at any time.
I want to seclude myself but still be sought out, for anything, really, for massage, for guidance, for games, drugs, sex, riddles, money, anything. I want to live like a guru when I am the guru of nothing, merely a goddess in hiding.
And this goddess has a lot of questions.
4:51 p.m. - 2011-07-12
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sad
I am finally at a point of clarity.
Knowing I can discern & refuse certain things I want to focus on others.
Knowing I am strong & can prioritize.
I usually do seek long term happiness & stability, not short term gratification.
Usually.
And I can do that again. It will be a slow, miserable ascent from distracted crazy lust. But it is worth it.
It is painful. I will be isolated & miserable for a while.
But this is the price of rejection. Rejecting someone & being rejected; rightful rejection.
Swallowing desire & choking back love? Missing intensely & breaking down immensely. It's all worth it. Because I know I will be happy in the long run.
I will be happy without doubting distractions, again.
3:45 p.m. - 2011-07-11
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Victories
PS
I got some backpay from Nataliya-- wasn't bold enough to ask for all of it, but I got some of it-- and TCF finally gave me that bonus. I'm so glad I stood up to Nataliya, who conveniently forgets how much she's contracted to pay people...
I probably seem like a whiny petty angry person on here, but I'm not... at the end, or the start, of the day when you're so tired, this dribble comes out of my squeezed cheeseburger brain.
College Success Corps will not happen, they didn't get state funding. Crap. Everyone loses there.
I don't have a great feeling about... the Literacy Council position... so if I still can't get into AmeriCorps, what the hell to do? Any move into any program would be a career move. And an adventure. But... maybe I'm too quick to seek others' structure for my life, this way?
10:28 a.m. - 2011-06-09
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It will all come back to me.
People.
Last time I saw G she wanted to meet at a coffee shop so I could buy her a treat. Or not. I went with not. But somehow she convinced me to split carrot cake with her & she'll pay me back, & it wasn't much at all, but still, you don't invite people out & ask them to pay.
Poor etiquette that people... disregard in the chase for normality. They want to feel normal by buying TREATS even when they're flat broke.
The other day someone spontaneously invited me out to dinner, & when he does it I usually think the expense is worth it because it's a bonding experience. But sometimes it isn't like that. So we get there & he says Do you Have Any Money?
I of course order the cheapest thing on the menu, what I almost always do, but people don't get the hint & follow me in this. People tend to get whatever they like when I'm paying. So... in these ways & more I am becoming like my father... Up at dawn hoping to do something, generous to a fault, shy towards others' affection, & all that.
I didn't expect to inherit so many of his mannerisms. Along with his metabolism-- we both stay up late & wake early. At least my brother has managed to be staunchly unique in almost all ways. If anything he's like Fred... but not like anyone too much.
I hope it will all come back to me tenfold.
Maybe it already has... I mustn't forget how much of my frugal existence so far has been subsidized by parents, the state, the boyfriend...
10:08 a.m. - 2011-06-09
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So so grateful
I am so grateful for you who are so sweet to me. Yes, I have blessed with both tough love & sweet accommodating love.
There are thousands of fun things to do together, friends, thousands of discoveries yet to be made & when I'm with you I can more easily open my eyes. And ears. Everything takes on significance-- for I take the time to absorb the significance-- when it is experienced with you. But we needn't get to all of the destinations that are our destiny.
It is the journey that's important-- maybe our descendants will reach the destinations for us. The journey is frightening but I am learning to take my time. To allow myself time & not create mini-deadlines in the day. To forgive myself & cut myself some slack.
There will be a someday. I know, I know we'll have a sweet someday, if not soon, because of how strongly love pulls me along in this life... Why do I lead a charmed life? I don't know. I have an old soul that went through a lot before; who knows what. And this time around I have insightful piercing first sight & foresight but not the Second Sight.
This old soul is granted 1 life to feel & think & live young-- 1 life full of intense friendships & emerging understandings that blow me away. What does it matter if I am blow away-- a poor woman's epiphany is hardly an Oprah moment. I am not in a position to change much, but rather to help individuals.
How can I express my gratitude, my friends? I am not always that good to you, but my wise old superego will not let me forget it. So you will be repaid, somewhere along this lifetime, no doubt, you will be gifted all I can gift you in gratitude for putting up with my moody days & ways.
My life is important & unique. Don't expect it to be like any other life & don't expect me to follow the rules.
Feel free to write down your rendition of this 1 extraordinary life but it will never be true; only I am the author here of this 1 true life story.
So far it is coherent & cohesive & I have flirted with danger & trouble & change but am still myself, emerging unscathed.
I cannot become jaded or cynical; that is not my path. My mind has adapted too quick for that. My early life was too full of unconditional love & miracles for this stretch to be anything but miraculous.
My spirit bows to yours; in old & new ways, in love of life & love conditional, in happiness & in times of shame & sorrow. With etiquette & procedure I bow; with brashness & honesty I bow; with humility & awe I bow-- and RECOGNITION that shocks the hell out of me.
For in you I see something of myself-- in each of you, yes I do, & I am very humbled to see you bowing before me with all pretenses dropped. There is nothing to do but breathe, breathe in & out together & stare into yourself as seen in another's eyes.
What is before me but strength & independence? Even in submission there is strength, more to learn, a path through humility to rise up a better person with the knowledge you unwittingly impart.
Along with this knowledge comes doubt. I have gone through the slipping dark valley of self doubt & I think I'm almost at the end of it; I can always slip back into the ravine but now my questions are more like: Who else is in the shadows? Aren't you me? And aren't you facing the same struggles as I? And aren't you to be held accountable for certain things?
Isn't the blame to be placed on much more powerful people than us poor consumers whose mistakes have less weight? Aren't there others worth beating up more than myself?
And won't I feel their pain as I give them blame, for I am they & they are me? We'll see. My doubt is facing out.
Not in. I still am blessed & my blessings will be given... selectively.
I will be discerning; still I'm not deserving of your awe & wonder & love & lust & devotion.
No one really deserves the awesome grace of love but it IS grace & mercy & giving freely that lets us live together gracefully & keeps us sane. How dangerous it would be if no one was given love, or only when they Earned IT... no, I'm done earning approval & love. Let us be gracious or tolerant with each other. Either graciously love me or tolerate me with judgments reserved please.
All judgments are irrelevant for you don't know my truth, but your evaluations will still be sought out from time to time.. Thank you. Thank you for your evaluations. I love you!
4:34 p.m. - 2011-06-04
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$
My honey owes me money, I owe him money, G. owes me 1.25 I'd say,
Natalia owes me 7.50 she stiffed me several times over for the baby sitting gigs... TCF Bank owes me big time, fuckers...
It's all so petty but letting it slide is also petty.
5:12 p.m. - 2011-06-01
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2 nice
I AM TOO NICE, I am nice to a fault.
The only solution is to hide & say everyone leave me alone, even people who love me, just leave me alone unless you really want to help me...
because I'm always helping you...
Today I met someone at Taracino Coffee to deal with paperwork which turned out to be 1 week early, so it was an unnecessary meeting that I was unnecessarily stressed out about...
She had said there would be no pressure to buy anything from the coffee shop, but I bought an unsatisfying expensive cappuccino anyway, waiting on her... I'm always waiting on others...
Anyway she asked several times if we could split something, as in, I could buy something & share it with her & she'll pay me back when she feels like it.
I didn't want to but the fuckin power of suggestion won me over & I got carrot cake & split it with her. The power of guilt helped... she said she hadn't eaten anything all day & she had no money. Go figure, that's not my fault, & I make next to nothing working for her, but I decided to be generous because...
she's been so generous with me before...
Then I invited her to go to MTN with me & we wasted an hour trying to walk 4 blocks, getting lost, going super slow,
trying to find the right entrances to things... My attitude was Whatever, I'm wasting my time but she's having fun & exploring...
We ran into 2 filmmakers who wanted to talk to me & network, & that was great. Socializing, meeting people, getting my files from MTN.. Then getting out of there. It might've seemed heartless to leave her there at MTN when it's so hard to get in & out, & takes forever, but seriously, she shouldn't need someone to walk her home...
Some of my friends really need someone to hold their hands through life, I'm serious. I'm an enabler.
I'm used all the time. I'm a good friend to such a point that I let people take my time & energy... I still don't think they're truly dragging me down though. It's all meant to happen.
Everything happens for a reason. In the past day my friends have done some fairly hurtful things but I haven't let myself get hurt...
4:43 p.m. - 2011-06-01
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Name it Don't Claim It, give credit where credit is due!
I want to stop the cultural appropriation & increase the cultural respect. I respect the culture you're from.
Even if it's the yippie culture, or even the prison culture, the trailer park, the culture of the diverse urban poor, the culture of your family line, I accept you & your culture for it has something to offer just like you.
So what is your music saying? What is your culture doing?
What is your identity within your culture? What writings, what games, what new styles should I be aware of?
What is there to learn? What sayings have you developed that no one else has? What are the bad parts & what are the good parts? & How are we changing from the bad parts?
I have no culture & no heritage, as I've felt for a long time. I am a drifter, tolerant, fairly urbanite but more of a hermit really...
3:20 p.m. - 2011-05-25
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step by step
Gettin my shit together, step by step. Doesn't matter if it's the same old steps. Doesn't matter if it's the same set of dishes to do, the same floor I've vacuumed before, the same Minnesota Care paperwork, the same arguments with Eric as years before.
Hopefully not years hence.
I'm gettin inspired ever since I see other amateur videos-- I know I can do it too-- trying little things, not out to impress, just doing my best for myself. step by step.
Step by repetitive little step.
Practicin practicin. Routines slowin down.
Today I applied to AmeriCorps things like crazy, for the 4th or 5th time in the past 2 years.
It just feel good to go out & do job interviews even though they're fruitless. So.. I'm setting 1 up for Friday morning, of course distracting myself with busyness on that day.. the day of tattoo & anticipation & pain...
Hmm.
Won't know about the College Success Corps thing for 2 weeks. Bah!
2:52 p.m. - 2011-05-25
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Done with work
Friday was Day 1 of No work.
What did I do?
I went to a meeting with an old client to set up new hours with him!!!
What did I do on Day 2? I worked 3 shifts!! And I didn't even do a very good job; I was unfocused & didn't get all the laundry done. But it was hard!!!
Day 3-- worked one shift on Sunday & then hung out with Eric's family. Lots of fun!
Noah is so smart & he tilts his head with a sideways grin, missing two front teeth but absolutely full of excitement in his eyes. So yeah, he's very cute.
Day 4 of not working: a lovely Monday with nothing to do but help a friend, & work in the garden! I had the discipline to follow my routine to a great day... but not the discipline to THINK before I got in the car. I realize now that I may take longer to think strategically than others...
I need to give myself TIME to do things right & to think... To analyze, to meditate, to absorb.<
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